Rome and I did our best in those two weeks to put our faith in God and find strength in each other. We knew that our future was not in our hands; we don’t control our fate. Rome, my husband, was and is my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my foundation, and more. News like this can rock a relationship. It can cause people to shut down, and we had those moments, but in the end, it brought us closer together. We didn’t put a wall up; we broke down the barriers while we are self, too, broke down. The hardest thing for me to process was that my role as a mom was to protect and love her unconditionally. Yet, my ability to protect her was already being stripped away before she even arrived. I had moments where it was hard to express my feelings to Rome, so I sat in Caliyah’s room and recorded myself to process my thoughts. This video is clips of me at my most emotional stage. 

These are the words that gave me solace and guided me during those tough early days.

Faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead of me, God is already there.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Rome and I have always been religious, and in these hard times, our faith was truly tested. I began to question the situation, asking why me? Am I strong enough to endure this uncertain path ahead? The pity party hit hard, and it lingered for weeks after her arrival. Some days were better than others. My questions and doubt felt like signs that it was time for us to lean further into God. We started to pray every night over Caliyah. The very first time we prayed over her was as we brought in 2020. It was truly magical, while both of our hands were on my belly, praying while tears were dropping down our cheeks, she started to kick and move so intensely. She was moving more than she ever had before, for the entire length of our 4-minute prayer. At that moment, we all felt each other's energy transfer from one another. It was a feeling that is so hard to describe. Rome, and I looked at each other and knew this little girl was a fighter. We slept just a bit better that night.

Handpicked for Caliyah

As my induction date quickly approached, and after many prayers, we knew we were selected to be Caliyah's parents. That we possess the strength for what was to come in the upcoming weeks, months, and years. We had no choice but to be strong. What most don't know is that we tried for a year in half before we finally got those two lines on the pregnancy test. For a while, I thought motherhood wouldn't happen for me without medical help. We both had moments where we blamed ourselves, put way too much pressure on each other, and it started to steal our joy. So the news of being pregnant hit just a little different for us. When you spend so much time praying and wishing for a child, you learn to be grateful for whatever shape, size, and condition they enter this world in.

Our love for Caliyah was created long before she arrived, even when she was just an idea we loved her. This perspective allowed me to regain my joy and excitement for her arrival. The strength I received from Rome and God during those hard and early days, indeed fueled me for what was to come.